Relationship SPA

May 12th, 2012 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: couple, create relationship, Enhance Relationship, nurture relationship, relationship 

Unless you take time to consider and decide what kind of couple you want to be, chances are you will unconsciously try to create a relationship similar to those you grew up with. As a couple you have an opportunity to create the kind of relationship that you want. However it takes some conscious thought to stop running the childhood tapes and choose the life you want. You are unique and you want your relationship to nurture your individuality as well as your coupleness.

Get out a pencil and paper or your laptops. Each of you complete the following sentence stems. Complete each one as many times as you can in 2 -5 minutes.
I am . . .
You are . . .
As a couple we are . . .
Loving me means . . . (list what feels loving to you)
Loving you means. . . (list what you do to show your love for your partner)
Respecting me means . . . (list what feels respectful to you)
Respecting you means . . . (list ways that you show respect for your partner)
To me it is important that we . . .
I have always wanted to be the couple who . . .

Once you have completed the above sentence stems, spend some time sharing and talking about your answers. This will help you learn more about each other and about each of your hopes and expectations for your relationship. You will discover what feels loving to each of you, an invaluable piece of the puzzle. Your challenge is to build your relationship around your strengths as individuals and as a couple.

To complete the exercise, write a list of five to ten things that you can each do to help you be the kind of couple that you want to be.

April 28th, 2012 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: love, lovemaking, low libido, sex 

There are many factors that can distract, discourage or dampen libido. The myth that men always want sex and women never do is simply a myth. In my counselling practice I have seen nearly as many men with a low libido as women.

The following are some factor that tend to reduce libido:

Body Image
This issue is not gender specific, both men and women can struggle with body image issues. When you are unhappy or disgusted with your body, the tendency is to hide, to limit and to feel at the very least uncomfortable getting naked and intimate. The shame interferes and can make it almost impossible to relax and enjoy lovemaking.

Past Abuse
Sexual molestation or abuse can create associations and feelings that intrude on intimate moments. It can be difficult to leave the past in the past. There may be a pull back reaction, where sex feels like something that should be avoided rather than enjoyed.

Emotional Struggles
Depression can leave people uninterested in life, let alone intimate relations. Whether it is cause or affect depression and lowered libido often go hand in hand. As well, antidepressants can have unwanted sexual side effects.

Relationship Problems
A lack of intimacy and closeness in the relationship can lead to withdrawal and a loss of interest in lovemaking. Unresolved conflicts can contribute to a build up of resentment, which has the effect of throwing a wet blanket on the flickering candle of desire.

Parenting
Busy lives, lack of time alone or privacy and shifting priorities can create roadblocks to sexual expression. Focusing too much attention on the children and no attention on strengthening the couple relationship can seriously decrease libido.

Grief or Loss
Grief can bring up anger and sadness, that for periods of time may consume your attention, leaving little room for interest in lovemaking. For some it can feel wrong to enjoy life when their loved one is gone.

Lack of Confidence
A lack of confidence in yourself or in your sexual abilities may cause you to talk yourself out of being sexual before you even begin. A sense of confidence makes it easier to feel sensual and to act on those feelings.

Stress
When stress levels escalate, it can be difficult to shut off the worries long enough to enjoy being intimate with your partner. Sex can start to feel like just one more thing on the to-do list.

Sleep Deprivation
When sex is left to the end of a busy day at the end of a busy week, there can be little motivation and no energy left to feel interested in lovemaking. People can simply be too tired to care.

March 21st, 2012 | by Susan Derry | 1 Comment | Tags: Enhance Relationship, frustration in marriage, relationship myths, unrealistic expectations 

Having unrealistic expectations is probably the biggest cause of frustration in marriage. When expectations are constantly being dashed, we at first become disappointed, later discouraged and finally disillusioned. We can end up believing that it is impossible for our partner to make us happy or perhaps that we were not meant for each other. When we feel this kind of disappointment and discouragement in our relationship it is important to stop and take a look at our expectations. We could probably benefit from considering some of the myths about marriage and taking time to evaluate whether or not our expectations are realistic.

Myths that can lead to frustration in marriage and the corresponding realities:

1. Myth: A “good” marriage will always be romantic.
There will be ups and down. Reality sometimes gets in the way of romantic feelings. There will be times when you do not feel very in love, if at those times you choose to behave lovingly, the loving feelings will return. Love is a verb; action is required.

2. Myth: Feeling or expressing jealousy shows that we care and love each other.
Jealousy reveals insecurities rather than love.

3. Myth: Marriage will make me happy.
True happiness comes from within; no one can make you happy. Happiness is a choice.

4. Myth: If we really love each other, nothing else will matter.
Marriage needs nurturing. Little daily interactions are the big things in relationships. Treating each other with love and respect at all times is vital.

5. Myth: My partner should intuitively know my needs; if I have to ask it does not count.
Mind reading is impossible. Give yourself permission to ask for what you want. At the same time recognize that your partner may not be able to or willing to give you everything that you ask for and that is okay. Recognize that the ultimate responsibility for meeting your own needs belongs to you.

6. Myth: Conflict means that we do not love each other.
Conflict is inevitable, but it does not have to damage your relationship. Learn to listen to each other first, to disagree agreeably and to fight fair. Conflict is not the problem, the problem comes from how you handle the conflict.

7. Myth: Men and women get over conflict in the same way.
Women tend to be more concerned with analyzing the state of their relationships and will often take longer to feel that a conflict has been resolved. They frequently cannot release a conflict until it has been talked through. Men are better at compartmentalizing and will seldom bring up a conflict after the fact, to talk it through.

8. Myth: Once trust is broken, we can never trust again.
It takes time and effort to rebuild trust. It require patience and commitment to spend the time necessary to rebuild trust, but it is entirely possible when both partners are willing.

9. Myth: We are not getting along, having a baby will make things better.
Having a child will bring more stress to an already stressed relationship. Having children gives parents an opportunity to stretch and grow themselves, sometimes a painful process.

10. Myth: To have a good relationship we need to frequently talk about issues and problems.
Being problem focused will tend to lead to seeing more and more problems. It is important to communicate about issues and concerns; however it is far more important to talk frequently about what is going right in the relationship.

We can avoid unnecessary frustrations by examining our expectations and by bringing our expectation more in line with reality. When we let go of the myths we free ourselves of those unrealistic expectations and the resulting disappointments and frustrations.

February 17th, 2012 | by Susan Derry | 5 Comments | Tags: commitment, Enhance Relationship, lasting relationship, mature love 

Maturity is probably the most fundamental factor in determining if relationships last. Many of the items listed below require discipline and maturity. Choosing to grow up together is a great way to strengthen your relationship.

1. Choose to accept compliments and loving gestures from your partner.
2. Make spending time with your partner a top priority.
3. Continue creating happy memories and enjoy reminiscing together.
4. Enjoy social outings together; find something you both enjoy or take turns enjoying each others functions.
5. Forgive your partner and yourself for past hurts.
6. Make time for intimacy in your life.
7. Guard against thinking or doing things you would not want your partner to know about.
8. Enjoy time apart and look forward to time together.
9. Think and speak well of your partner; when talking to others share positive opinions and experiences involving your partner.
10. Plan and enjoy a weekly date and an annual or biannual couple get aways.
11. Talk and share your thoughts, feeling, fears, dreams and hopes with each other.
12. Find out what feels loving to your partner and show your love to them in ways that feel loving to them.
13. Listen to your partner and allow them to influence you.
14. Move toward each other rather than finding ways to avoid spending time together.
15. Be healthy and take care of your appearance.
16. Plan your finances and make important financial decisions together.
17. Refuse to compare your partner to others, especially in a negative way.
18. Look at your partner in loving ways and express gratitude to and for them.
19. Fantasize about your partner.
20. If you have addictions find help to rid yourself of them – whether it is food, substances, sex, gambling or whatever; addictions numb your feelings and cause havoc with relationships.

Lasting relationships require commitments and effort. But a lasting relationship makes life so much more rewarding. When you strengthen your relationship, you also strengthen yourself. It is the little things done consistently make a huge difference in whether your relationship lasts or fails. Choose to do those things that build rather than erode your relationship.

January 28th, 2012 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: enhance marriage, Enhance Relationship, love, romance 

Whether you are just beginning your relationship or you have had many years together, you can benefit from implementing the following suggestions. Marriage is like a living entity and it is either nurtured and growing or it is neglected and crumbling. Hopefully, like mutual funds, over time the trend will be upward. Unfortunately in marriage you do not get to coast for long. The good news is that making your marriage great is simple, not to be confused with easy.

• Be more concerned about we than me. Selfishness is a relationship killer. Taking your partner’s thoughts and feelings into consideration at all times helps you make choices that benefit both of you.
• Be realistic about expectations. Romance novels are not a good source for relationship templates. What expectation are realistic for your relationship, is something the two of you need to agree upon. Your relationship is unique and needs to work for both of you.
• Reduce stress. Finding ways to reduce work and other stress can improve your marriage; a happy marriage also makes the rest of your life easier as well.
• Reminisce. Spend time now and then talking about how we met, started dating, fell in love. Don’t worry if your story is not overly dramatic or romantic. Enjoy the fact that it is your story.
• Live now. Don’t get stuck ruminating about your wedding day, good or bad, focus on making your life together. Be present now, enjoy each day you have together and plan for your future.
• Pay attention to the little things. Daily acts of kindness and consideration are the live-blood of any extraordinary relationship.
• Solve the solvable problems. Address the minor issues, so they don’t build up.
• Keep or find your sense of humor. There is a quote that says, “Parenting without a sense of humor, is like being an accountant who sucks at math.” This applies doubly to marriage.
• Focus on the positive. Enough said.
• Be the change you want in your relationship. Take ownership of your contributions to problems and control what you can control, your words and behavior.
• Be empathetic. Be willing to see things from your partner’s point of view.
• Make time for each other NOW. Consistency is the key, no matter what else is going on in your life, make time for each other. There may be occasions when it may not be a lot of time, but when making time for each other is your habit, you will know that you can count on each other.

January 17th, 2012 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: Enhance Relationship, romance, sizzle, Valentine's Day 

Has Valentine’s Day in the past been less than spectacular? Are you getting the cold shoulder, rather than the warm reception that you would like? Do you wonder what you could do to increase the chances that Valentine’s Day will be a romantic celebration of your love, rather than a reminder of the distance between you?

Consistency is the key. If you want those special days to be wonderful then you need to put your relationship where it belongs, at the top of the priority list. If you ignore your relationship except for special occasions, you will most likely find those special efforts falling flat. It is the little things done on a consistent basis that bond two people together. When partners are feeling connected and close, the special days become times to treasure, rather than times to endure or avoid.

Remember, it is the little things done consistently that will help to add the sizzle to the day. Consistency can make the difference between the sizzle and the cold shoulder.

Start now preparing for next years Valentine’s Day. The following are some suggestions that may help to make next years Valentine’s the best one ever:

• Hugs every day, morning and night.



• Listen, listen, listen. Avoid defensiveness and blame.
• Be respectful and kind.
• Help around the house.
• Do something everyday to demonstrate your love for your partner.
• Continue courting.
• Go on a date once a week.
• Say “I love you”often.
• Show your partner that you love them more often.
• Learn what you can do to make your partner smile, laugh and feel loved. Then do it.
• Make your relationship a top priority.
• Smile.
• Make spending time with your partner a priority.
• Create happy memories to treasure.
• Reminisce together about your fun times.

Avoid thinking the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence and start watering your own grass.

December 15th, 2011 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: admiration, affection, appreciation, Enhance Relationship, happiness 

Expressing appreciation, admiration and affection consistently will increase your individual as well as relationship happiness. These habits will infuse your relationship with positive energy and help to fortify it against the frustrations and problems that any relationship encounters.

Aim for at least four 6 second hugs a day. Men, remember that hug does not equal groping. A 6 second hug is long enough for you both to relax into the hug and open yourselves up to a feeling of connection. Find ways to remind your partner of your love. Say, text or email, “I love you,” frequently. Little kindnesses can go a long way toward helping your partner feel cared for and cared about. Human beings die, at least on the inside, without loving touch. Find ways to reach out to your partner and express affection.

Everyday without fail, let your partner know that you admire and respect them. Point out their strengths in positive ways. Let them know that you are impressed by their talents and abilities. Make a habit of talking positively about your partner when s/he is not around. Avoid, like you would the plague, the temptation to gripe and complain about your partner to others. The more you focus on, talk about and point out your partner faults; the more reasons you will find to complain. Instead put your focus on what you like and admire about your partner. You will begin to create an upward, rather than a downward spiral in your relationship.

Practice saying thank you. Gratitude feels wonderful on the giving and receiving end. Showing your appreciation for what your partner does helps to keep you from falling into the relationship destroying habit of taking each other for granted. It is far too easy to fall into expecting and maybe even demanding the things that we used to appreciate. Choose each day to find ways to feel appreciation for something that your partner has done.

December 7th, 2011 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: awareness, communication, Enhance Relationship, expectations 

If you were expecting your partner to get home at 12:00 midnight and they got home at 10:00 pm you may be pleasantly surprised. If however you were expecting them home at 4:00 pm and they got home at 10:00 pm you may be furious, especially if they had not let you know that they would be late. They would have arrived home at the same time in both instances, what is different is your expectations. At times our expectations can cause us a lot of unnecessary distress. Expectations, especially if they are unrealistic, will lead to frustration and disappointment.

If frustration and disappointment are feelings that you are frequently experiencing in your relationship, then it may be helpful to take a look at your expectations. A good place to begin is to actually get your expectations out into the open. Often we have hidden expectations of each other. Things that we expect our partner to know and do, just because that is the way it should be. At times it can be as simple as, we are not getting what we want and need because our partner is unaware of that want or need. It is important to clearly communicate your expectations to your partner. You can only do this when you are clear on what your expectations are.

Before you communicate your expectations to your partner try writing them out and asking yourself, “How realistic are these expectations?” “Do I expect the same kind of behavior from myself?” “Might there be another way to look at this?” “How can I make my expectations more realistic and at the same time remain true to myself?”

You will want to remain firm when it comes to expectations arising from your values and principles. For example it is always reasonable to expect to be treated respectfully in your relationship. It is also reasonable to expect your partner to be honest and open with you. However when it comes to expectations based on preference it is important to be flexible. Which route to take to get from a to b, where you go to eat, what entertainment or activities are all examples of expectation, which if they are causing frustration and disappointment, may need to be adjusted or better communicated to your partner. Remember that, if you have trouble agreeing, you always have the option of taking turns when it comes to decisions based on preference.

Susan Page said, “The expectation that you can have everything you want in your marriage will always be frustrated. If you can accept your spouse, be grateful for what you have, and be gracious about the things you don’t get from your spouse, you are more likely to thrive as a couple.”

November 26th, 2011 | by Susan Derry | No Comments | Tags: decision-making, Decisions, Enhance Relationship 

If you have a plan for how to handle major decisions it may save you a lot of time and anxiety, waffling back and forth unsure of how to proceed. The following guidelines can help you find clarity and avoid conflict:

Define the problem or conflict. Write down a question or a statement that accurately represents what you need to decide.

Brainstorm for possible solution. Write down everything. At this point make no judgments about the rightness, wrongness or do-ability of any suggestions. Be creative and bold with your suggestions. Write down all you can think of and then take a short break and add two or three more.

Share your feelings. One at a time, share your feelings about the problem. Remember that feelings are not wrong or right, they just are. Just listen to each other and do your best to hear and understand what your partner is sharing until you both feel heard and understood.

Evaluate possible solutions. Separately evaluate the pros and cons for each of the possible solutions and then share your evaluation with your partner. This process helps to clarify your thoughts and helps you to better understand your partner’s perspective.

Wait. If at all possible, allow at least a day before making the final decision. This allows for some space to see how the solutions “sit” with you before committing yourself to a final decision.

Discuss and decide. Each describe what you want to happen and share any concerns you may still have. If you both have chosen the same solution, great. If you have not both chosen the same solution, then discuss possible compromises until you come up with a solution that works for both of you. You can repeat any of the above steps if needed.

Commit.Once you have reach an agreement it is important that you both commit to the solution. Smile and proceed with full effort and work as a team to make the best possible resolution.

October 24th, 2011 | by Susan Derry | 1 Comment | Tags: enhance relationhsip, Inspirational Stories, peace 

Peace in our relationships begins with us. We can have peace even in the most trying times. We will fail to find peace when we try to achieve it by arranging people or things outside of ourselves. When we have peace and calm in our hearts, when we are at peace with ourselves then we will have the reserves we need to make peace in our relationships. Peace is an inside job.

There was once a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them.
One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.
The other picture had mountains, too. But, these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But, when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - - in perfect peace.
Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second one. “because” said the king, “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in you heart.”